Forever Nineteen

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Today is the anniversary of my sisters passing, making it a day that is always hard to swallow. So much time has passed since my sister's accident, but today,  (that whole part of my life) will always feel like yesterday.  On my sister's first birthday after her passing, I remember my Mother bringing home a ton of balloons for us to let go of in my sister's remembrance. Since then, on her birthday and anniversary of her passing, my family and some of my sister's close friends have let go of pink (her favorite color) balloons as a way to continue celebrating her life. 

This morning I breathed in the fresh, earthy smell that filled the air while it was still raining and watched as the clouds quickly dispersed and the rain stopped--something about today, the day I hate most, was beautiful. Not saying a word about how internally sad I was, I went about my day as I normally would, except today, I payed closer attention to what was in front of me, I loved deeper, and I spoke sweeter (omg did I just quote Tim McGraw? Now I'm worried haha) .  I didn't mention which day it was to Alan until later in the afternoon, because this day is something that I struggle with, it's my tragedy, it's not weight that I want to my daughter, or husband to carry. At this point in my life I don't want to be coddled and I don't need sympathy, all I need is comfort--preferably silent comfort. Those two comforted me today without even knowing they were doing so and I couldn't be more grateful. However, I did need some time to myself to reflect, and sort of ride out the wave of emotions I was harboring inside -- I opted for the gym and a little retail therapy. 

I can't get over how beautiful today felt. The way I looked at people, the way the sun shined on my surroundings, how I could laugh at the simplest things. There used to be a time when I was not able to find beauty or happiness laying anywhere, especially not on this day, and if I did by chance come upon something that brought me joy, I would shut it out, because I felt guilty. I've since realized that finding the beauty in today doesn't mean I miss my sister any less than I do every other day. 

When I returned home, I wrote a quick message on the balloons and we hopped (Alan literally) in the car to go let them go--they had the perfect ocean view. Today was beautiful, just like my sister.

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